I've missed you.

I've missed you.

I'm sorry that I haven't reached out to you sooner.

Lately I have started to realize how much I have closed myself off from others, especially the people that I count as my friends. With as much as we have shared together, you deserve better than that.

I have felt like I needed to isolate myself to protect me and my family. Now I find myself lonely among those that care the most.

In my many ventures and varied places I have been, there are a lot of people that I know, and that know me well. Because of that, some may suppose that I have just moved on to other things and new friends. Sadly this is not really what has happened. Along the way, I have turned my back on some of the best friends a person could know. I feel that I owe you an apology for that. I'm sorry. You deserve better.

I feel like you also deserve an explanation.

Four years ago, I woke up to find my infant son not breathing. We worked to revive him, but he was already gone. No matter how much I try, that day is etched in my mind forever. The details are as clear to me now as they ever have been.

No parent should ever have to bury their child.

In the aftermath of that, I changed.

I’m not really sure when in the following months it happened, but my priorities shifted. I started focusing more on my family, and less on things around me. My life was a great big jumble of pain and grief, and I just wanted to sort it out enough to see the world clearly. In time, bits and pieces of clarity shone through.

Then it got worse. I started to see how bad other things in my life were too.

I knew that I didn't have the knowledge by myself to sort it all out, so I started reading & studying more than I ever had before. I even went back to school. The more that I learned, the more that I saw how little I really understood.

I had to face the reality that I was in a toxic and abusive relationship. I had known for years that Fawn had several severe mental illnesses. The more I learned, I had to face the reality that things were getting worse, not better. Her alcoholism was out of control, and she had no moral compass. In 2011, I finally reached the point where I realized that absolutely anything would be better than the way things were.

That was the low point for me. One evening I came home from a long day of trying to clean up her social and business messes at work, and I snapped. I stopped caring entirely. Her threats of suicide, and her threats to hurt me or the kids became powerless. In that moment I was so emotionally drained that I lacked the ability to care one bit whether she or I lived another day.

And in that moment I found freedom.

Once I stopped buying into her threats and manipulation, I realized that they only had the power that I gave them. I found that even though she threatened suicide, she still had a healthy sense of self preservation. I saw the charade and the manipulation for what it really was.

From that point, I knew that I could go on.

Looking back, I have a better understanding of the nature of the many years of abuse that my kids and I went through. Now I also know that we are not alone in these type of experiences.

But these experiences have left me scarred emotionally. I find myself stressed and anxious in social situations, and when dealing with people and even friends.

As I go about life and my work, people often ask me how I'm doing. My reply is generally that I am doing fine, or that I'm hanging in there. Sometimes I comment about how busy things are with the changing seasons or how projects are keeping me hopping. While these type of answers may answer the superficial question, they really don't answer anything. Because at the core, I'm still not fine, and haven't been for a long time.

To open up to others about how I truly am is not socially acceptable.

In the society that we live in we are all struggling. Every family that I know is facing hardships in one form or another. Every person, and every family has their own demons to fight, their own daily struggles, and their own challenges that force them to work daily to press onward. Am I so different?

It is in this conundrum that I withdraw into solitude.

When a friend asks how I am doing at a social event, they are not really asking how I am doing. Instead in our society it stands as a form of greeting. A formality of sorts which serves to fill the space between us, and transition into another discussion. I have learned through observation of those around me that this is not an invitation for me to open up about the vast trials that I have been fighting. For I have also come to realize, that they too are fighting great trials.

So in the space between how I pretend to be, and the place where I really am, a widening gulf builds.

To show my weakness is too much, but to keep it to myself forces me away from others.

And in that gulf, a building anxiety grows.

Not from simply holding things in, because we all do that; but from decades of surviving through truly abusive relationships, and living through experiences of severe trauma.

It was almost 3 years after my son's death before I stopped having fits of tears when hearing fire and ambulance sirens. To consider it now still brings me to tears. When you have lived it, you know the feeling.

I have experienced the death of loved ones on several occasions. My grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack. His death was painful, but not traumatic. Likewise the death of my brother Mike from suicide hurt deeply, but it was less immediate to me. I feel deeply saddened by his passing, but it does not send me into panic attacks.

On the contrary, waking up to an infant not breathing, working to revive them, and then ultimately loosing them is something that too many parents experience, and that none should ever have to bear.

But this type of experience is something that people do not want to hear about. I know that I often don't want to hear the tales that others tell of heartache and loss.

Several of those that I work with are veterans. Vietnam, Korea, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are all represented. The horrors that they have lived through are worse than anything I could imagine. There are times when I see a look in their eyes, and I know that they are doing everything in their power to keep still, to forget the wounds. Sitting through a first aid class with these guys is amazing to me that they can keep their composure.

While I have not seen the horrors of war, I know what some of those looks reflect. Yet when I ask them how they are doing, the social understanding and assumption is that they are not going to tell me of distant memories of far off battlefields. Yet that look in their eyes tells me that those far off battlefields are as real to them today as they were in those far off moments.

Am I so very messed up in the head that it hurts inside when people ask how I am doing? I don't know that there is a good answer to that question.

I know that you have your own trials and struggles. Knowing this, and knowing what I have been through, I am reaching out to you. Both for my sake, and for yours. I know the pain of facing life alone, and I know that we were once better friends than we are now.

When I first started to come to terms with my life a few years ago, I started slowly reaching out to a few old friends. I realized that I was not as alone in the world as I had felt.

One of the people that I reached out to was my childhood sweetheart Desi. When we parted ways in our youth, it was because the leaders of the religious group we had been raised in demanded it. After we reconnected, we realized that there were still feelings there, and a short time later we were married. In the 10 years we had been apart she had raised our daughter and gotten her degree in Psychology. Her professional insights into the true nature of the situation that I was in have been invaluable.

Her caring and love for me and our children has been more than I could have ever hoped for previously.

Slowly we have worked together to build a new life, and a new business.

On a half acre plot outside Cedar City, we are building a cutting edge aquaponic farm. I have tried my hand at a lot of other ventures in my life, but at the back of my mind there has always been the dream and the goal of turning the profits from my business into buying a farm. The lessons that I have learned in those other ventures are serving me well here. My skills as a builder, as a mechanic, and in electronics are being stretched to their fullest and utilized heavily. As I am within months of finishing my business management degree, I see that the potential for my family to prosper has never been greater.

In addition, both Desi and I have recognized that we have a lot to share with others. To reach as many people as possible, we are both in the finishing stages of writing books based on our experiences. I hope to be able to share some of this work with you when it is ready.

But the trials are not over.

The legal challenges from Fawn this past year have been enormous. We have learned firsthand the corruption that exists in the Utah family court system. Horrible accusations were made against Desi and I, and for five months I was not able to see three of my kids at all. In the end though, the truth has been made known and Fawn has finally been court ordered to get the mental help she needs.

Life goes on.

Through all the things that I have been through, I have come to the realization that regardless of whatever happens in the world around me, life goes on. People work, have kids, raise families, marry, work a lot more, and grow old. It is an eternal cycle.

Whatever I go through, or you go through; tomorrow the sun comes up. The seasons change. Life goes on. Through all the trials and the struggles that we all face, there is always a tomorrow. There is always a hope for better things to come. Individually we may each loose hope for a time, and that is normal; but hope remains. Love persists.

We also each find ourselves stressed to pay the bills, take care of our families, try to have a life, and stay in touch with our friends.

So, knowing all that, I have a request.

Its probably the easiest thing I could ask, but it is not without commitment or effort.

I want to stay in touch better.

I want to know more about you and yours. I hope that you want to share about your hopes and dreams, your experiences, and yes; I want to know about your struggles and trials. If you have a business, I want you to tell me about what you are doing, how things are going, and if you need help with anything.

If you have a blog, or newsletter, or social media, please find me and share with me. If you are up for it, send me an email or a letter. Let me know how the world has been treating you, and if there is anything that is you are struggling with.

That last part is especially important.

One of the things that I have had to learn by hard experience is the power of letting others see our biggest problems. I like to keep my problems to myself and work through them quietly, and in private. I suspect that you do too. I have learned the hard way though, that letting others help allows for new insights and ideas to be brought out, and combined with the ideas that I already have, can create new better ideas that are stronger and more effective than anything that could have happened in the mind of one person.

One of my employees a few years ago left our company for about a year. When I found out that she was unemployed I called her to offer her a job. She desperately wanted the job, but felt afraid that we would judge her for the choices that she had made while away. She felt that her path conflicted with my beliefs, and so she felt it better to simply avoid the conversation.

I promised her not to judge her. What she was so very worried about became one of her greatest strengths.

Just as then, I promise that I will never judge you for things that have happened in the past.

That is not me being altrustic, I know that I have done a great many things that I am not proud of. During my time with Fawn, she emotionally and financially took advantage of a lot of people. I went along with that and often helped. This is something that I am ashamed of, but I cannot change the past. I can only become a better person now, and in the future.

I don't judge others, because I know where I stand. There is nothing that you could have done that should stand between us. I hope that the things that I have done, won't stand between us either. Life is too short for that.

Expressing gratitude is one of my goals to heal from the past. Of all the things in my life that I can be grateful for, my friends and family are the greatest. I am thankful for the influence that you have been in my life, and for the friendship that we have shared. I hope to be able to count you as a friend for many more years to come.

So please, I hope that we can once again renew old friendships and look forward as friends together.

I've missed you.

Ben Herring



P.S. Please don’t forget to add me to your email lists, newsletters, blogs, Facebook, etc. and send me an email to let me know how you and yours are doing. If we are already connected on Facebook or other places, I hope that you can reach out to me in other ways as well. If you want me to keep you in the loop as well, please let me know. If I don't hear from you, I wish you the best in all that you do. You deserve the best regardless.

Leaving my wife saved my life.

People often wonder why I left Fawn, why I took the kids from her, and why I persist in trying to keep them away from her. While the answer is simple, it is hard for many to believe.

Quite simply, my relationship with Fawn was unhealthy and abusive. It is a hard thing for a man to admit that he has been abused by his wife, but the facts are hard for me to argue with. The abuse of me and my kids was horrific, and she persists in this type of behavior even still.

I have often told people that the first 18 months of our marriage was one of the worst times in my life. It was. I would not wish that on anybody. Not even my worst enemy.

From shortly before we got married until about the time we moved from Utah to Montana, I was subjected to a series of events that broke me. When I was going through it, I had no idea what was happening, but in the fresh light of a new day many years later, I can see it clearly. At that time however all I understood was that I didn't like what I was going through.

So say that my wife was mean to me would have been a cardinal understatement. She was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. I would go to be in fear of whether she would kill herself, me, or our young son while I was sleeping. The fear during the day was just as bad. She threatened suicide more times than I can count. Several nights each week I stayed up through the night to make sure that she would not hurt herself or me.

The sleep deprivation was intense, and constant. It was not until I left her many years later that I could actually feel like I had been recharged from the sleep debt incurred over years of sleep deprivation. The thing is, that messes with your brain. It is one of the most powerful tools that cults and brainwashing organizations use to mess with their victim's minds.

Looking back, I can clearly see that she used many of the same brainwashing techniques on me that were used by the worst cults in history. To add to this, I had grown up in a religious cult that uses many of the same brainwashing techniques on its members. This double whammy virtually ensured my compliance.

For several years I lived through this type of ongoing abuse and brainwashing.

I mentioned previously that the first 18 months of my first marriage were Hell. The only reason why it got any better for me was that I stopped fighting it. I got better at complying with her demands. I learned to avoid situations that I knew would trigger her. It was just as bad every day that I was married to her.

I stopped shopping at stores where I might encounter other women. I went to church rarely, and when there, only interacted with a few guys, and generally came late, left early, and sat in the foyer. I left any jobs where other women worked or where I might interact with women.

I shunned several members of my family, including both my parents, for lengths of time because Fawn felt that they had slighted her in some way. The time I lost with them I will never get back.

When my best friend died, I was unable to even attend his funeral in peace. She was there the entire time harassing me because she thought that I was sleeping with some of the girls at the funeral.

 If I so much as glanced at another woman in her presence (often simply to keep from running into them) I would be accused of adultery and apostasy. This happened nearly every day. The days that it didn't happen were simply because I got better at avoiding other women.

I have tried to reconcile in my mind why she did this. At this point all I know is that she is very mentally ill. She has been diagnosed with Manic Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In addition to this I strongly suspect that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and levels of Anti-Social Personality Disorder which is commonly referred to as Sociopathy. The last two items are my opinion based on study and my experiences. The others were diagnosed by doctors and psychiatrists trained in the appropriate fields.

She sees things are not real. She hears voices that nobody else can hear. She uses these experiences to gain power over others by asserting a spiritual superiority and even the direct gift of revelation from god and deceased prophets. This power she uses to control those close to her. I have seen her destroy lives through this.

She has no moral compass, and has stolen from so many people I have barely been able to keep track. She has an uncanny ability to commit fraud by making promises she has no intention of keeping. She has not hesitated to forge documents, create sham companies, falsify reports, and outright lie to get what she wants. I have seen her steal tens of thousands of dollars in a few months via bank fraud and check kiting schemes. I have had to try to pick up the pieces and make things right when she has done these things.

I could go on and on for many pages about the illegal and immoral business dealings that she has had. If you are curious, come talk to me. I suspect however that if you know her, you have some idea of what I am talking about.

The children however are the most important thing now.

I hope that someday my kids can heal from what Fawn has put them through. They have been through immense trauma because of her.

Our youngest, Kevin, died at 10 days old of suffocation.

She insists that his death was SIDS, and that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it. This is not the truth.

The report from the medical examiner was that he suffocated because he was “co-sleeping with parents on a waterbed”. The night he died, Fawn drank and entire bottle of wine before bed, then refused to put Kevin in his bed. She insisted that he should be with her. In the morning, I found him face down against her back. Efforts to revive him were unsuccessful, most likely due to the length of time since he had stopped breathing.

Do I blame her for what happened to Kevin? Yes.

I also carry some of the blame, but it is hard for me to try to be honest about the situation without assigning her most of the blame for his death. I am open to other ideas, but that is the only conclusion I see which fits the facts.

The three other children have all witnessed domestic violence by her. This violence has been towards me, towards my sisters Bobbie and Virginia, her sister Aubrey, and towards her husband Chris. This abuse has been when she has been under the influence of alcohol, and also when she has been sober. While alcohol makes the abuse worse, the abuse happens all the time whether she has been intoxicated or not.

Fawn believes that there are occult forces in this world that are directly trying to abuse her children. While most of us believe that good and evil exist as forces in the world, her beliefs go much further than this. She believes that there are people in positions of power and authority that are so secretive that they have never been found, which ritually abuse children; and that these people are specifically interested in abusing her children.

Police and FBI investigations into this issue have found that there is no evidence that this is real. In fact, those investigations have found that there is strong evidence to indicate that this is at best a hoax, and is founded on nothing more substantial than paranoid delusions. Yet the delusions persist.

At the insistence of Fawn, DCFS and three different police departments have thoroughly investigated specific claims of abuse this past year, and once about 4 years ago. Their investigations concluded that her claims that the kids have been abused in this manner are both false, and absurd.

I have learned to base my knowledge and beleifs on facts that can be seen and tracked. Without that solid foundation in logic, reason, and empirical facts, I am just as likely as anyone else to buy into stupid ideas like Fawn perpetuates. It is for this reason that I have withheld for so long in telling people what really happened between her and I. I have wanted to make sure that my facts are straight, and that I can prove and document any claims that I make.

Anything here, I have hard data to back up. I do not feel that it is appropriate at this point to exaggerate or to fluff the story. The hard facts are damning enough.

From the time that I met Fawn in 2002, until even now, she has made my life a Hell. Even after leaving her, she has still found ways to reach out and influence me and my family through agencies like DCFS and the police and justice system.

She also still has hold on people that I love dearly. Her husband Chris was one of my best friends. I fear for him and their young child. I hope that he can find the strength to see her for who she truly is and work to protect himself and his son before it's too late.

There have been assertions that the primary reason why I left Fawn was because I found another woman. There have also been assertions that the prime motivator behind the current custody battle is because of Desi. Nothing could be further from the truth. She may be a convenient scapegoat for those with their head in the sand, but the driver behind this has always been me, and it started a long time before Desi ever returned to the picture.

Fawn has viciously attacked Desi both through the kids and through the courts and legal system. She has been dragged through hell and back by the lies that Fawn has perpetuated. All for what? So that Fawn can feel better about the situation? I suspect that at its core, Fawn believes that the only reason that I have taken the steps that I have is because of Desi.

I know that many people have looked at my actions, and considered them to be out of character for me. To that, I would respond that if you see my actions as out of character, then you may not really understand my character.

Please allow me to illustrate.

Between the time that Fawn and I got married, and the time that we divorced, I only had contact with Desi once. That was via instant messenger in 2005. I had scarcely said hi, before Fawn took over the conversation and proceeded to say all sorts of untrue and mean things to Desi.

The next time I talked to Desi was Friday the 13th of April 2012. Three months after the my divorce from Fawn was complete. All the events and situations leading up to our divorce were just me trying to find a better place in life.

When I decided to seek a change in the custody arrangements for the kids, I did so based on my own conclusions and decision making skills. If there was anybody that significantly influenced me to do so, it would have been my Mom, and my Aunt Candy and Uncle Max. Desi has been supportive through the entire process, but she is certainly not the driver behind this effort.

What that means is that even if Desi was not in the picture, I would still be going through this process. I would still be working to protect my kids through the courts. I would certainly still be trying to expose the lies that Fawn has perpetuated on so many people.

An old saying that I have been fond of over the years is “Still waters run deep” this means that a large river on the surface may look still and peaceful, but below that still surface, a mighty current flows with great power. Many people look at me and may suppose that because I speak little, and act slowly, that there is not much going on. Not so. Beneath the placid surface of my public demeanor, great currents flow.

I plan things out, consider as many options as I can, and look at many contingencies before I take action. Once I set something in motion, I will pursue it to the end. Many plans that I set in motion a decade ago or more, are now coming to fruition. Even now, I am setting plans in motion that I suspect I will not see anything from for another decade or longer.

When I was 14 years old I wrote out a 40 year plan. I have been working it ever since. Obviously many aspects of it have changed as I have learned new things, as my world has expanded, and as life has dragged me along in its current. The basis of that plan however has never changed.

Looking at the issues with Fawn and my kids, I am taking the longer view. I see the need to help them and protect them through this, both now and in the years and decades to come.

You may look at this missive and see that there is a lot missing. In this you would be correct. I have intentionally left a lot of stuff out, and that is because I am still in the midst of a legal battle to protect my kids. I have learned that to reveal all my cards or to tip my legal position is not the best plan. This again is one of the reasons that I have been rather quiet up until this time. I will continue to hold certain issues close to my chest until it is safe to reveal them. In the meanwhile, it is important for others to know who this woman is, and what she really is about.

If you have questions about anything that I have said here, please feel free to call me out on it. Please question the things that I have told you, and then allow me to prove it to you.

I have the proof.

This really is what has happened, and she really is just that evil.