People often wonder why I left Fawn, why I took the kids from her, and why I persist in trying to keep them away from her. While the answer is simple, it is hard for many to believe.
Quite simply, my relationship with Fawn was unhealthy and abusive. It is a hard thing for a man to admit that he has been abused by his wife, but the facts are hard for me to argue with. The abuse of me and my kids was horrific, and she persists in this type of behavior even still.
I have often told people that the first 18 months of our marriage was one of the worst times in my life. It was. I would not wish that on anybody. Not even my worst enemy.
From shortly before we got married until about the time we moved from Utah to Montana, I was subjected to a series of events that broke me. When I was going through it, I had no idea what was happening, but in the fresh light of a new day many years later, I can see it clearly. At that time however all I understood was that I didn't like what I was going through.
So say that my wife was mean to me would have been a cardinal understatement. She was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. I would go to be in fear of whether she would kill herself, me, or our young son while I was sleeping. The fear during the day was just as bad. She threatened suicide more times than I can count. Several nights each week I stayed up through the night to make sure that she would not hurt herself or me.
The sleep deprivation was intense, and constant. It was not until I left her many years later that I could actually feel like I had been recharged from the sleep debt incurred over years of sleep deprivation. The thing is, that messes with your brain. It is one of the most powerful tools that cults and brainwashing organizations use to mess with their victim's minds.
Looking back, I can clearly see that she used many of the same brainwashing techniques on me that were used by the worst cults in history. To add to this, I had grown up in a religious cult that uses many of the same brainwashing techniques on its members. This double whammy virtually ensured my compliance.
For several years I lived through this type of ongoing abuse and brainwashing.
I mentioned previously that the first 18 months of my first marriage were Hell. The only reason why it got any better for me was that I stopped fighting it. I got better at complying with her demands. I learned to avoid situations that I knew would trigger her. It was just as bad every day that I was married to her.
I stopped shopping at stores where I might encounter other women. I went to church rarely, and when there, only interacted with a few guys, and generally came late, left early, and sat in the foyer. I left any jobs where other women worked or where I might interact with women.
I shunned several members of my family, including both my parents, for lengths of time because Fawn felt that they had slighted her in some way. The time I lost with them I will never get back.
When my best friend died, I was unable to even attend his funeral in peace. She was there the entire time harassing me because she thought that I was sleeping with some of the girls at the funeral.
If I so much as glanced at another woman in her presence (often simply to keep from running into them) I would be accused of adultery and apostasy. This happened nearly every day. The days that it didn't happen were simply because I got better at avoiding other women.
I have tried to reconcile in my mind why she did this. At this point all I know is that she is very mentally ill. She has been diagnosed with Manic Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In addition to this I strongly suspect that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and levels of Anti-Social Personality Disorder which is commonly referred to as Sociopathy. The last two items are my opinion based on study and my experiences. The others were diagnosed by doctors and psychiatrists trained in the appropriate fields.
She sees things are not real. She hears voices that nobody else can hear. She uses these experiences to gain power over others by asserting a spiritual superiority and even the direct gift of revelation from god and deceased prophets. This power she uses to control those close to her. I have seen her destroy lives through this.
She has no moral compass, and has stolen from so many people I have barely been able to keep track. She has an uncanny ability to commit fraud by making promises she has no intention of keeping. She has not hesitated to forge documents, create sham companies, falsify reports, and outright lie to get what she wants. I have seen her steal tens of thousands of dollars in a few months via bank fraud and check kiting schemes. I have had to try to pick up the pieces and make things right when she has done these things.
I could go on and on for many pages about the illegal and immoral business dealings that she has had. If you are curious, come talk to me. I suspect however that if you know her, you have some idea of what I am talking about.
The children however are the most important thing now.
I hope that someday my kids can heal from what Fawn has put them through. They have been through immense trauma because of her.
Our youngest, Kevin, died at 10 days old of suffocation.
She insists that his death was SIDS, and that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it. This is not the truth.
The report from the medical examiner was that he suffocated because he was “co-sleeping with parents on a waterbed”. The night he died, Fawn drank and entire bottle of wine before bed, then refused to put Kevin in his bed. She insisted that he should be with her. In the morning, I found him face down against her back. Efforts to revive him were unsuccessful, most likely due to the length of time since he had stopped breathing.
Do I blame her for what happened to Kevin? Yes.
I also carry some of the blame, but it is hard for me to try to be honest about the situation without assigning her most of the blame for his death. I am open to other ideas, but that is the only conclusion I see which fits the facts.
The three other children have all witnessed domestic violence by her. This violence has been towards me, towards my sisters Bobbie and Virginia, her sister Aubrey, and towards her husband Chris. This abuse has been when she has been under the influence of alcohol, and also when she has been sober. While alcohol makes the abuse worse, the abuse happens all the time whether she has been intoxicated or not.
Fawn believes that there are occult forces in this world that are directly trying to abuse her children. While most of us believe that good and evil exist as forces in the world, her beliefs go much further than this. She believes that there are people in positions of power and authority that are so secretive that they have never been found, which ritually abuse children; and that these people are specifically interested in abusing her children.
Police and FBI investigations into this issue have found that there is no evidence that this is real. In fact, those investigations have found that there is strong evidence to indicate that this is at best a hoax, and is founded on nothing more substantial than paranoid delusions. Yet the delusions persist.
At the insistence of Fawn, DCFS and three different police departments have thoroughly investigated specific claims of abuse this past year, and once about 4 years ago. Their investigations concluded that her claims that the kids have been abused in this manner are both false, and absurd.
I have learned to base my knowledge and beleifs on facts that can be seen and tracked. Without that solid foundation in logic, reason, and empirical facts, I am just as likely as anyone else to buy into stupid ideas like Fawn perpetuates. It is for this reason that I have withheld for so long in telling people what really happened between her and I. I have wanted to make sure that my facts are straight, and that I can prove and document any claims that I make.
Anything here, I have hard data to back up. I do not feel that it is appropriate at this point to exaggerate or to fluff the story. The hard facts are damning enough.
From the time that I met Fawn in 2002, until even now, she has made my life a Hell. Even after leaving her, she has still found ways to reach out and influence me and my family through agencies like DCFS and the police and justice system.
She also still has hold on people that I love dearly. Her husband Chris was one of my best friends. I fear for him and their young child. I hope that he can find the strength to see her for who she truly is and work to protect himself and his son before it's too late.
There have been assertions that the primary reason why I left Fawn was because I found another woman. There have also been assertions that the prime motivator behind the current custody battle is because of Desi. Nothing could be further from the truth. She may be a convenient scapegoat for those with their head in the sand, but the driver behind this has always been me, and it started a long time before Desi ever returned to the picture.
Fawn has viciously attacked Desi both through the kids and through the courts and legal system. She has been dragged through hell and back by the lies that Fawn has perpetuated. All for what? So that Fawn can feel better about the situation? I suspect that at its core, Fawn believes that the only reason that I have taken the steps that I have is because of Desi.
I know that many people have looked at my actions, and considered them to be out of character for me. To that, I would respond that if you see my actions as out of character, then you may not really understand my character.
Please allow me to illustrate.
Between the time that Fawn and I got married, and the time that we divorced, I only had contact with Desi once. That was via instant messenger in 2005. I had scarcely said hi, before Fawn took over the conversation and proceeded to say all sorts of untrue and mean things to Desi.
The next time I talked to Desi was Friday the 13th of April 2012. Three months after the my divorce from Fawn was complete. All the events and situations leading up to our divorce were just me trying to find a better place in life.
When I decided to seek a change in the custody arrangements for the kids, I did so based on my own conclusions and decision making skills. If there was anybody that significantly influenced me to do so, it would have been my Mom, and my Aunt Candy and Uncle Max. Desi has been supportive through the entire process, but she is certainly not the driver behind this effort.
What that means is that even if Desi was not in the picture, I would still be going through this process. I would still be working to protect my kids through the courts. I would certainly still be trying to expose the lies that Fawn has perpetuated on so many people.
An old saying that I have been fond of over the years is “Still waters run deep” this means that a large river on the surface may look still and peaceful, but below that still surface, a mighty current flows with great power. Many people look at me and may suppose that because I speak little, and act slowly, that there is not much going on. Not so. Beneath the placid surface of my public demeanor, great currents flow.
I plan things out, consider as many options as I can, and look at many contingencies before I take action. Once I set something in motion, I will pursue it to the end. Many plans that I set in motion a decade ago or more, are now coming to fruition. Even now, I am setting plans in motion that I suspect I will not see anything from for another decade or longer.
When I was 14 years old I wrote out a 40 year plan. I have been working it ever since. Obviously many aspects of it have changed as I have learned new things, as my world has expanded, and as life has dragged me along in its current. The basis of that plan however has never changed.
Looking at the issues with Fawn and my kids, I am taking the longer view. I see the need to help them and protect them through this, both now and in the years and decades to come.
You may look at this missive and see that there is a lot missing. In this you would be correct. I have intentionally left a lot of stuff out, and that is because I am still in the midst of a legal battle to protect my kids. I have learned that to reveal all my cards or to tip my legal position is not the best plan. This again is one of the reasons that I have been rather quiet up until this time. I will continue to hold certain issues close to my chest until it is safe to reveal them. In the meanwhile, it is important for others to know who this woman is, and what she really is about.
If you have questions about anything that I have said here, please feel free to call me out on it. Please question the things that I have told you, and then allow me to prove it to you.
I have the proof.
This really is what has happened, and she really is just that evil.
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