“It’s one thing to quit. At least you started. But when we tell ourselves the “I can’t” lie, we do so without even having had the courage to try in the first place. And that’s the ultimate weakness. Not trying.
When you combine your ultimate weakness with your biggest lie you end up with a life of frustration, a lack of progress, and the dishonor of knowing that you are avoiding self-growth in order to remain in the safe confines of your comfort zone.
We lie to protect ourselves. And it works. It saves us from social and physical discomfort…in the short-term. But in the long run, it makes us weakened slaves shackled to a lifetime of unfulfilled potential.” - Craig Ballantyne
One of the biggest reasons that people stay in abusive relationships is because of the lies. Often we think about the lies that we believe others tell to us, but the real problem is the lies we tell to ourselves.
I was in an abusive relationship for nine years. There were several points along the way that almost killed me, and at the end my son died.
Looking back at an abusive relationship, it is easy to talk about problems that the other person had. They are obvious enough that the relationship ended. They are easy to see and have to be talked about and worked through in order to heal from them. Harder still is seeing areas that we may have failed in, or need to do better in.
Shortly after I remarried I stopped lying to myself about the abuse that my kids were going through, and I started taking steps to protect them. As I said it at the time “I can't pretend that these problems don't exist anymore.” That was one of the biggest mental shifts that I ever had to make.
The thing about being truthful with yourself is that over time it gets easier. Just like it becomes easier to tell big lies after you have told small lies, it goes in reverse. Once you start telling the truth, it becomes easier to tell the truth again. This is especially true with lying to yourself.
I realized on my drive home last night that I had an abusive relationship largely because it was built on lies. It was built on the lies that she told me, and that I told her in return. More importantly though, it was built on the lies that I told myself about the nature of our relationship, and by extension the lies that she told herself.
Last night was something of an eye opener for me. When I picked my kids up from visiting their mom for the holiday, they told me in matter-of-fact way that young children do about some things that their mom had told them. I realized that the lies she tells herself are still very ingrained in her. I suspect that she may have been lying to herself for so long that she doesn't even know fact from fiction any longer.
Just about the time I was separating from my ex, my business mentor gave me a book to read that changed my perspectives on life. The book is Leadership and Self Deception, and I highly recommend it to anybody and everybody. It ranks as one of the best books that I have ever read, and certainly one of the most influential.
In reading this book, it talks about the schism that happens in the brain when we act contrary to what we know to be right. This schism releases chemicals in the brain which build up over time. When we try to go against what we know to be truth, it actually damages our mental capacity. I suspect that there are a lot of people in the world that lie to themselves so much, and so deeply, that they have rewired their brain function irreparably. I think that this factor contributes to abuse in more ways than any other factor besides mental diseases and disorders. In many regards I think it is in itself a mental disease, whether diagnosed or not.
The cascade of events abd behaviors that flow outward form lying to ourselves are pretty simple. First we lie to ourselves, and then we lie to others. Then we change our behaviors to fit those lies. Over time we convince those around us either actively, or by example to change their behaviors as well. As part of that effort they begin to lie to themselves and those around them as well. Like a pebble dropped into a pond, the ripples flow outward further and further.
In modern society there are lies that are so big that few people can even see them anymore. These lies started with simple small ideas, and then they got bigger. Many of these ideas create abusive situations in our society at large. These big lies have started wars, changed economies, and been responsible for the death and suffering of millions of people all over the world.
Evil thrives in an environment of lies. Whether those lies are the small lies that we tell ourselves to justify not living up to our potential, or whether those lies are tying us into an abusive relationship, or whether they are the big lies that start wars and spread death and destruction. They all start with a simple lie, and then that lie grows.
I left my wife because our relationship was toxic and she was abusive in many ways. Soon thereafter I decided that I would do everything that I could to be honest in my life and in my dealings with others. Integrity is hard wired into my being, and so lying to others has never been easy for me. Lying to myself however has always been fairly simple.
As I changed my outward behaviors to be honest with others, I found it harder to lie to myself.
As I started telling myself the truth, and stopped buying into the lies in my own mind, my life changed for the better. Like a snowball gaining momentum down a hill, it gets easier and more significant over time.
I found that as I held myself to be true to myself, and to be honest with myself, life became easier and more fulfilling. My personal relationships improved, and my business started getting better than it ever has.
The thing about lying is that we all do it. Whether we want to admit it or not, everybody lies. The worst lies however are the ones we tell ourselves. Lies like “I can't” are crippling.
As my friend Craig said in the opening statement, “in the long run, it makes us weakened slaves shackled to a lifetime of unfulfilled potential.”
The first step is to tell the truth. Whether this start of truth is to ourselves or others it starts just like lies do, as a small seed. Then little by little it grows and builds in momentum until it becomes so big that it fills our life. Unlike small lies that turn into big lies however, the cascade of telling the truth and acting with integrity will change your life, and my life for the better.
One of the hardest things however is holding to that truth wherever it takes you. Rejecting the lies about my abusive relationship forced me to protect my children. That in turn has become an expensive legal fight costing tens of thousands of dollars. It has also forced me to reevaluate my spiritual beliefs in ways that are very uncomfortable. I have had to admit to myself and others of misdeeds in business and in my personal life. That is a hard thing to do.
In the end however, it is liberating!
When I tell lies to myself, those lies control me and my life.
Without the lies however, I control my life and I love it!
No comments:
Post a Comment