I remember when my life changed, it was January of 2011.
Today I look back, and I have a hard time imagining that I could have been the person I was before. The changes between him and I are so profound that the former me is almost unrecognizable from who I have become.
As a child I was taught that all of the things that happened in the world were the direct result of either the actions of god, or the actions of the devil, and as part of that, the ongoing struggle between good and evil.
I believed that if I chose the side of good, and worked as hard as I could to achieve that, then my path in life would be laid out for me by higher powers. The events in life that I encountered would be created for me to bring about a higher goal.
This set of ideas was the core premise that I built my life around. As I became an adult I constantly weighed my choices and actions against this measuring stick of a greater purpose. When I encountered challenges I understood that they were either outside influences that had been engineered for my growth and development, or they were opposition from evil influences.
This set of beliefs was comforting to me as it relieved me of may of the burdens of choice and responsibility in my life. I just had to make sure that my actions were according to my understanding of this higher plan.
The trigger
In November of 2010 my infant son died. The emotional pain that I went through in the weeks and months following were something that nobody should ever be subjected to. In the turmoil of that time I became very frustrated with my life.
In January I was faced with a series of financial challenges in our business that seemed too big to conquer. The end of the year brought about the closing of our first year as a retail store. As a result the landlord was asking for an additional sum to renew the lease and lock in our rents for the next three years. In addition we lost 4 of our employees in the week before Christmas, and I had been forced to take another job, and then quit it when I realized that my wife would not let me be out of her sight due to her insecurities about our marriage.
The total sales for the store's first year in business only amounted to about $140,000. The expenses were just slightly more than that. To move into the new year we would need to bring in an additional $20,000 in new capital just to keep the doors open.
This was the pinnacle and culmination of 8 years in a severely abusive marriage that I believed was the right path that god had laid out for me. The resulting depression and hopelessness was intense.
The moment of change
In that time of pain and despair one of the most important realizations that I had ever had happened.
I realized that I didn't know why our business was failing. I knew that it was having problems, but really had no good understanding as to the reasons behind it, or what to do about it. I also knew that the entire time that I had been married we had struggled financially. Just 3 years previously we had filed bankruptcy due to our construction company going under. In addition, we had been through many different financial struggles over the years and it didn't seem to matter what I did, the stress and strain was always there.
What I realized in that moment was that I didn't know enough about business to be in business. I realized that the struggles that we was having as a family and in business were because of MY inadequacies.
That was both very frustrating to me, and very liberating.
I no longer could blame an unseen or outside force for my misfortunes. I knew who was to blame, and it was me. That meant that I could change it.
I realized that in order to change my situation, I would have to change myself.
The solutions
That week I enrolled in an online college to get a degree in business management. I also started looking at other solutions for myself and our business.
I made a deal with a customer that was an accountant to teach me how to keep the books and understand them. Since the business was so short on cash, he agreed to trade his services for goods and services at the store.
I also started looking for other business mentors, and I started reading business books and reading information from business experts online.
As I came to understand how much I didn't know it was frustrating. At the same time however it was exciting and wonderful. Knowing that you can conquer a problem before you is a great thing, and this was a very new philosophy for me.
At the same time that I was going through this process I started having deep discussions with my Uncle Max about other aspects of philosophy. He taught me a great deal about logical thinking and using empirical evidence to make my decisions. He also taught me about logical fallacies and how they corrupt people's thinking. I realized that a lot of my decision making had been based on logical fallacies and misguided intuition instead of data and evidence. I vowed to change that, and started the long process of rewiring my brain and thinking.
I came to a lot of very good understandings over the next several months. I started to know what the problem areas in our business were, and we worked to fix them. I developed an addiction to creating systems in the business, and to finding as much data as possible to make decisions. This new way of thinking and doing was wonderful!
Backlash
There was a big problem with all of this however.
When a person starts rebuilding their life on logic, reason, and empirical data; it can create strain on relationships that were previously built on faulty thinking.
I knew that my marriage had problems. I had previously believed that our relationship was ordained of god, and that I should just stick with it and go along with the challenges that were encountered.
My wife had some severe mental disorders that had been diagnosed in her teen years, and they affected her daily. Many of the worst symptoms she managed through diet and exercise. The core basis of our relationship however had always been built on the idea that God wished us to be together, so we were. It took the responsibility for choice and decision making away.
In my new time of self responsibility, I realized that I could change and become a better person, and by extension that would make my marriage better. I knew that the problems that I had could not be fixed without new understandings and new information. So I worked as hard as I could to learn these new ideas and information.
In looking for better understanding about relationships I followed the same basic methods that I had learned for my business. I found as much good information as I could, then I weighed it against the standards of empirical data and looked for obvious errors, omissions, or logical fallacies. When I found these I discarded any ideas or information that were flawed, and kept whatever good information that I found. I then set out to incorporate what I learned into my life.
The reality of the situation is that my marriage did not survive this process. I came to the realization that my wife was abusive and her mental disorders made change almost impossible.
At the same time I was on this path of learning and self discovery, she was also on a path of discovery at the bottom of a large bottle of wine. The substance abuse issues that she had developed in her teen years came roaring back, and within a short time she had found her way into the criminal justice system for substance abusers.
I look back at the realizations that I had in those times of frustration and grief. What I see is amazing to me, both in where I came from psychologically, and the paths that I took to get where I am now.
The bottom line is that we each have control over our lives. We can choose to delegate control to others, whether real or imagined. We can't get out of the consequences of our choices though. I had delegated control of my life to an unseen god with a plan for my life, and an abusive wife. I then got to deal with all the consequences of their decisions and actions. As a result my life was a mess. I had all of the consequences, but none of the choice.
The results today
Today I have a much better life. I understand that the choices that I make directly affect my happiness. I know now that I can change my situation by learning and by taking appropriate action.
In addition I no longer delegate decisions for my life to an unseen power. I certainly weigh my decisions against what I understand as good, decent and honorable. I don't however base my decisions on what another person tells me is the will of god in my personal life.
If someone has a suggestion for me or advice, I consider it carefully. If it is a good idea with a solid basis in good knowledge, and it meets with my goals in life, then I will accept it with gratitude and incorporate it. If not, I can politely thank the person for their interest in my life and proceed with building the better life I know I can have.
Using this set of standards, I have found that there is no monopoly on good ideas. I have found that some people with excellent credentials and many followers have some ridiculous ideas. I have also found that some people with very little formal understanding or training can have some profoundly good ideas. There is no monopoly on either good, or ideas. I seek truth and understanding from all sources now.
This morning I sit here in the early morning darkness and I am amazed at the path I have walked. These past four years have been some of the hardest that I have ever been through. I have buried my son, closed my store, left an abusive wife, started over with almost nothing, rebuilt my life and married my childhood sweetheart. I found a daughter I didn't know I had, and brought my other kids out of the abusive mess that they were in. I have started a new business and a new life in a new place with family and friends that love and care about me and my family.
Most importantly I now have control and responsibility for my life and my results. I have a full understanding of how I can make my life better and I am actively engaged in doing just exactly that.
If there is a problem now, I know that the problem is most likely me. That simple fact alone makes all the difference, and it makes for a much happier life.
Until next time, you can do it! Hang in there.
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